T and Time

I was strangely moved by Reverend T’s last post. Time moves so fast. Adina L. likes to make home videos and she was just showing me one she made last year in Boston, and watching it felt a little sad. Not because I miss Boston all that much (although I kind of do) but watching myself at an age and a point in life that can never ever be reclaimed or returned to is just a little bit painful. There’s a loss, I think, however minor it is. It’s a loss that I never felt during adolescence. Watching baby videos didn’t sway me at all back then; I couldn’t WAIT for the future. Now I wish more than anything that time would slow down. For the first time in my life I can think about things that I seriously wish I had done differently, thankfully not much, but still, there is a closing of possibilities that happens and is just going to continue to happen. That sucks.

Conversely, some things are a lot easier than they were last year. Certain kinds of pains numb over time. But I guess there’s a loss there too. I think I’m somewhat smarter now than I was when I was in college, less easily intimidated. The other day I gave a model lesson to 30 eleventh graders and it didn’t feel ridiculous. I’ve learned stuff over the last couple of years, I know a lot more now than I did when I was in eleventh grade. So in that sense I suppose the passing of time has served me well. New ways of thinking about things have been opened to me that I once had no idea existed, and that will continue to happen, I think, and that’s something to look forward to. But my body will age no matter what. My one grey hair from two summers ago now has a clone. Although, on the bright side, there are 60-year olds in my Cardio-Sculpt class who are more fit than I am (I mean, everyone there is more fit than I am), so perhaps we are not hurtling toward decrepitude as quickly as I fear.

Something I have surprisingly not cared too much about is the fact that every other minute someone I know gets engaged or married. I mean, I care in the sense that I am often very happy for them, but so much of what they are experiencing is wrapped up in the particular person they are in love with, and if I don’t feel that way about anyone right now, then it just doesn’t feel like an opportunity I am missing. It feels, for example, about as distant as hearing about someone who got into medical school. Yes, it would be nice to have a prestigious life-path laid out for me, but I haven’t taken any pre-med classes, I don’t want to be a doctor, so any kind of envy is only in the most abstract kind of way. Also I recognize that these feelings change as you get older. One part that I am a little jealous of is getting to have your own apartment filled with nice, new stuff. But I think I can deal with that (and our new apt is starting to look very nice anyway-please come by!)

So I started off this post agonizing over the passing of time and ended up realizing that things aren’t so bad. Losing the self that is forever preserved in a home video can be a little painful, but realizing how much you’ve grown since then is exciting. And sensitivity and wisdom grow exponentially- we are only going to get better. But even if that is enough to tide me over for now, I wonder what I will think 50, 60 years from now. How do people manage the prospect of old age? How do you think about time when it’s really closing in on you? Does nostalgia help? Satisfaction with what you’ve accomplished? Nachas from the kinder? Belief in a world to come? Simply being tired of being here on this earth? Or is it “Inner Peace”? These are big questions- insights from grandparents would be welcome.

P.S. Shmuel and Toby think I should resign from the blog now that I have moved to the UWS. I think I would miss it very much, but if readers agree then, sniff sniff, I will have no choice but to comply. Let me know.